Thursday, July 25, 2013

Finding a balance (VERY DEEP)

I'm not good at that.  When I do something I want to do it 100% and be the best I can be.  I also know that being 100% spot on all the time is an unrealistic expectation, but I continue to try and then beat myself up over the fact that I'm not perfect.

Too deep for you?  I'm sorry.  I'm in a funk, and right now I need to talk/cry it out.

I love teaching.  I love working with kids.  But anymore, I am not happy.  I'm tired of working in a profession that is blamed for the ills of our nation.  I'm tired of working in a profession that is being used as a political pawn..... politicians making a test that students must pass and if they don't it's the teacher's fault.  I can't make a child do his/her homework, I can't make him/her study, I can't make him/her read, I can't insure that he/she will be in the right frame of mind to take an exam... let alone the high stakes tests.   But when the child fails... it's my fault.  So the state's answer is rush head-long into adopting the common core standards, only to now put them on hold... but still say we will be using a new test in two years... but we don't know what the standards are... but we have to be ready... but we don't know for what..... UGH!!!!!

Needless to say my attitude is bleeding over into other things.  I am not finding any joy in working with my fabric.  I can't focus on it  I can't figure out what project I want to work on... if anything.

I am also worried about my grandson.  Suddenly he is not doing well with his eating and sleeping.  Erin is taking him to a new pediatrician who has brought up the possibility of reflux.  I wish I were closer to them.  I would love to be a Nana 100% of the time.... see, beating myself up again.

I apologize to anyone who is offended by this post.  It's my blog and I feel I should be able to express my feelings/thoughts on it.  The delete button is on your keyboard... feel free to use it.  Right now I want to crawl into a dark space and close the door.

Have a good day!


Sara said...

It is very difficult to be creative when your mind and your heart are being torn by worries like you describe.

I understand your grandma concerns because I am at the same place with mine - and wish I could be a much bigger support right now.

As for the education issue - you are so much on target with your frustrations. I've gotten so frustrated in dealing with our state dept of ed directives. At least South Dakota has stayed focused on common core - but keep changing how they want us (PD trainers & developers) to deliver. And when . . . seeming to think a week's notice is OK. GRRR. I firmly believe congress and state gov't should also be evaluated like us.

Hang in there! Good educators make a positive difference in so many lives.

Rebecca said...

Well Lady.
Its pretty bad when touching and patting the fabric doe not make you feel better. Sounds Like you need something purring under your finger tips to fee better.Maybe there is a ufo that is simple repetation that would let you sew along mindless and help you feel better with something finished.

Frances Welch said...

Know your pain I worry for my daughter she is a primary teacher in a deprived inner city school and the dept of ed in England is as bad as yours.All the schools are judged in the same way and over 90% of their children don't have English as ahome language and an equally high percentage on free school meals but no extra money in the budget to handle these issues and now the gov are attacking their pensions!!!

Beth said...

So sorry for all you are going through. I hope all goes well for the new baby. Hopefully the new Dr will get him feeling well and thriving. Must be really hard to not be close enough to 'run over'.
All I can offer on the whole school issue is a hug. Many of my friends and my cousins are teachers and it sure sounds like a terrible situation all around. I don't know how anyone can teach without knowing the 'goals and objectives'.
Sleep, rest, and you will find the strength to keep on going.

Pat said...

Oh Nancy, I hear you! My daughter is a 5th grade teacher in a very large district and a fairly affluent area. Her problem, in addition to not being able to stray from the curriculum, is helicopter parents who refuse to accept any responsibility for their children's problems. If their child does not get placed in the top matrh group (because he didn't do is homework and never pays attention in class), it's the teacher's fault because she didn't find the exact right note to hit to "speak" to that child. And because he didn't get into that high math group in 5th grade, his life is ruined -- he won't make 6th grade high math, then forget high school advanced math, and wow, there goes his getting into Princeton. She cannot teach creative writing any more. All of the activities that she used to do to make history come alive? gone. Gotta teach to the test.

Remember when your mom would practically crucify you if you got a behavior note sent home from school? Now a similar note is cause for the parent to come raging into school blaming it all on the teacher.

I don't know if you are aware or not, but there is a big underground movement here in PA where parents are banding together and refusing to let their kids take these tests.

You are not alone. You are justified in feeling the way you do. It sucks. But maybe this year you will get one or two kids that make it worth while. In the mean time, find something you can punch.

marilyn said...

I'm a high school teacher in Northern California and we are headed straight into Common Core this year too :) So looking forward to the "Next Great Thing!" Ha, I've been doing this long enough to know you just nod your head, smile and keep doing what you've been doing and this too shall pass. The politicians will get voted out and the kids will keep coming. Your job is to love on them and teach them social skills they really need to get by in life and be there to listen because that's way more important than the junk the big wigs think they need to know. Hugs to you and hope you are feeling better today.

Quayquilter said...

I can remember when I was teaching here in the UK many of these things applied here too. Perhaps your sewing time can become a refuge, something you can control. All the best!